The ego needs edges to feel real. Nothing draws a hard border faster than an enemy. With a villain in the story, the “me” becomes solid: righteous, threatened, important. Peace dissolves edges, so the ego quietly finds (or manufactures) someone to push against.
Why the Ego Builds Enemies
- Identity boost: “I am not them.” Separation feels like strength.
- Simplification: complex realities get reduced to good vs. bad.
- Outrage chemistry: anger/adrenaline create intensity; intensity feels real.
- Tribal glue: shared enemies bind groups (and lock thinking).
- Excuse engine: the villain explains stuckness and justifies inaction.
Common Targets
Exes, bosses, “the elites,” “the ignorant,” rival scenes, algorithms, institutions, even your past self. The ego doesn’t need accuracy; it needs a wall to push against.
How the Factory Runs
- Othering: turn a person into a type (“people like that”).
- Mind-reading: invent motives (“they only did it to…”).
- Straw-manning: attack the weakest version of their view.
- Moral inflation: frame preference clashes as moral failures.
- Escalation: from disagreement → contempt → dehumanization.
Somatic Tells (Real-Time)
- Heat surge: face/neck warmth; chest hardens.
- Forward lean: body moves to attack/defend; breath gets shallow.
- Rehearsal loop: repeating what you’ll say to “destroy” them.
The Bill You Pay
- Perception loss: you stop seeing the human; you see the role.
- Creativity loss: solutions vanish; only victory/defeat remains.
- Relationship damage: contempt leaks into unrelated areas.
- Self-fulfilling conflict: people react to your hostility, “proving” your story.
Real Harm vs. Ego Enemies
Some behavior requires boundaries or law. The distinction:
- Real harm: concrete behaviors, specific impacts, actionable responses.
- Ego enemy: global labels, guessed motives, melodrama without a clean next step.
Drop the Script, Keep the Spine
You don’t have to like or agree with anyone. You’re simply trading enemy narratives for clear boundaries + precise action. Less story, more effectiveness.
Micro Experiment (45 Seconds)
- Bring to mind someone you’re casting as the villain.
- Name three neutral facts about them (no motives, no adjectives).
- Notice the heat drop. Facts cool drama; facts empower action.
Language That Defuses
- From “They are [label]” → “They did [behavior].”
- From “They always/never…” → “In this instance…”
- From “They meant to…” → “The impact on me was…”
- From “I’ll make them…” → “I’ll request / boundary / leave / escalate through proper channels.”
Steelman Before You Stand
Steelman = state the strongest, fairest version of their view. If you can’t do that, you’re fighting a cartoon. Once you can, two things happen: you either see room to adjust your stance, or you disagree cleanly without contempt.
Outrage Budget
Outrage is a finite resource. Spend it on real harms where your action matters. Don’t burn it on clickbait or fantasies where your only move is to stew.
Practice: From Enemy to Information (2 Minutes)
- Write one sentence of your enemy story (“They’re selfish,” “They’re corrupt”).
- Translate to facts: “They did X at time Y; the impact was Z.”
- Choose one influence move: request, boundary, escalate, leave, or let it go.
- Do it now or schedule it.
Practice: Humanize & Bound
- Picture the person as a child for 3 seconds (humanize), then return to the adult behavior (bound).
- State a clean boundary: behavior, impact, request, consequence.
- Deliver it with calm voice and short sentences. No sermons, no labels.
When You Are the Factory
Notice the little hit you get from righteous anger. Name it: “Enemy sugar.” Then take a breath and ask, “What’s my smallest honest move?” If no move exists, close the tab, leave the room, or go for a walk. Refuse unpaid internships for your outrage system.
The Relief Metric
Right action feels quieter inside than righteous story. Use that as your compass. The ego loves the noise of war; reality rewards the calm of precision.