The ego has no shape of its own. It’s a balloon that needs outside air. Praise, likes, nods, admiration—these are the pumps. Without them, the ego feels flat. With them, it swells and calls the inflation me.
Why the Ego Needs the Mirror
The ego can’t prove it exists from the inside. It needs a reflection. A glance. A reaction. A metric. The more immediate and quantifiable, the better. This is why you can feel oddly empty after doing something meaningful but unseen—and oddly full after doing something meaningless but applauded.
The Approval Loop
- Do something.
- Look around (or imagine the audience).
- Measure the reaction.
- Feel bigger (praise) or smaller (criticism).
- Adjust behavior to chase the bigger feeling.
Repeat this enough and you’re not living—you’re performing.
The Subtle Forms (Harder to Catch)
- Micro-edits: softening your truth so it lands well.
- Mirror-checks: glancing at faces after every sentence.
- Opinion drift: adopting the room’s view to avoid friction.
- Silent scoreboard: counting likes, replies, views in your head.
- “Just checking”: refreshing a post you say you don’t care about.
- Virtue cosplay: signaling values you don’t reliably live.
- Withholding: not asking, not risking, to protect an image.
Why It’s a Leash
Approval feels like freedom but functions like a collar. The people whose reactions you seek are holding the lead—even if they’re not in the room. The ego doesn’t need their presence; it runs on the imagined gaze just fine.
The Tolerance Problem
Like any addiction, tolerance grows. Yesterday’s compliment is today’s baseline. The ego keeps raising the dosage: more visibility, more outrage, more stunts, more polish. Meanwhile, your range of honest expression shrinks.
The Bill You Pay
- Creativity flattens: novelty threatens approval; safe repeats get picked.
- Relationships thin: performance replaces presence; intimacy can’t find you.
- Integrity erodes: small edits compound into a life you don’t believe.
- Anxiety spikes: your nervous system monitors a crowd 24/7.
“But Isn’t Feedback Useful?”
Yes. Feedback helps you serve reality better. Approval-seeking serves the image better. The difference is internal: feedback lands as information; approval-seeking lands as oxygen. If you feel you’ll suffocate without it, that’s addiction, not learning.
How to Break the Fix (In the Moment)
You don’t have to renounce audiences or delete apps. You only have to notice when the audience becomes your oxygen tank.
- Catch the reach: the impulse to check, to glance, to refresh.
- Name it: “Leash.” (Short words cut fast.)
- Drop into body: exhale slowly; feel feet and hands.
- Choose a mirrorless move: one action you’d do the same if no one knew.
The Two Questions
- Would I still do this if nobody knew?
- Would I do it this way if nobody knew?
A “yes” returns authorship to you. A “no” reveals the leash in your hand. Good—now you can drop it.
Recalibrating Your Nervous System
At first, acting without approval will feel like holding your breath. That’s withdrawal. Stay with it. In a few reps, you’ll feel a different air supply come online—quiet, steady, local. That’s self-respect. It’s slower but far more reliable than applause.
Misleading Costumes
- “I don’t care what anyone thinks.” Often the ego in leather. Rebellion can be another performance.
- “I’m just being authentic.” If you need witnesses to certify it, you’re still in the mirror.
- “It’s for the algorithm.” Maybe. Or maybe you work for a boss you never hired.
The Quiet Win
When you act without reaching for the mirror, the ego panics for a beat—then something else appears: calm, density, a click of rightness. That sensation is your compass. Approval can’t manufacture it. Use it to steer.
Practice: Catching the Mirror (1 Minute)
- Pause mid-action. While talking, posting, choosing clothes—stop for two breaths.
- Ask: “If nobody ever knew I did this, would I do it the same?”
- Name the pull. If you feel the need to be seen, say: “Leash.”
- Make one mirrorless move. Say the true sentence. Keep the post but don’t check. Wear what’s right for you. Send the message without waiting for the ding.
- Notice the after-feel. A small, unmistakable quiet. That’s freedom in the body.
Run this practice a few times today. The point isn’t to reject all approval; it’s to stop needing it to breathe. When you don’t need the mirror, you’re finally free to meet the world—eye to eye, not reflection to reflection.